I'm Sure This Will Surprise You...

but the truth is, I hate Valentine's Day. Shocking, right? And, no, it's not because it's a holiday created by stores who want our money, blah, blah, blah.... I feel convinced that the people who say this (and I swear they are all people who have Somebody) are only saying this because they are cheap. There, I've said it. And now my trip to Alice and the Hatter's house has probably been canceled due to Too Much Making Fun. I kid, I swear. Please don't withhold the baby.

I believe that there should be as many reasons for people to buy me things as possible. I'm not opposed to commercialism if it benefits me personally. I'm still wondering why you didn't buy me a New Year's present, by the way. It was kind of thoughtless of you. I'm just saying. So, no, that's not the reason I hate Valentine's Day.

It's not even the disgusting displays of affection on MyFace. Although, seriously, I don't care how much you love your Baby, or how much your Baby loves you, or what your Baby gave you, or where you went with your Baby. Not on February 14th, or any other day of the year. All that happiness makes me want to puke. Just so you know. Was that too honest? Sometimes I get to honest. Some of you may recall the incident with the yarn.

What I hate is that everyone asks you what you are doing for Valentine's Day. And then after Valentine's Day, they ask you what you did. And they all swap stories and compare what their sweethearts did or said or whatever. And talk about how romantic and thoughtful they are or aren't the rest of the year. And if you're REALLY lucky, they ask you why you're single. And pat you on the shoulder and tell you that you will find someone. And suggest that you join an internet dating site. Because maybe if you Put Yourself Out There you will find Someone. Gosh, I never thought of that. Sounds fun, no?

If you had just sent me some chocolate and flowers, we could have avoided this tirade.

Ways to Spot People You Should Not Trust

Today at Hollibery school we are talking about trust. These are some good'uns that I've seen used by my clients, questionable friends, and teenagers everywhere.... Here are some red flags when considering which friends you can trust to keep your deep dark secrets.

1. If they like to gossip about other friends when you are there, consider the fact that you might be the topic of gossip when you are not there. Which brings me to...
2. If they start sentences with "Susie told me not to tell anyone this, but...". This might be an indicator that their promises to keep secrets are conditional, and might be broken due to fall-outs, shifts in mood, or the weather.
3. If you see them lie to other people, and wouldn't know that they were lying if you didn't know the truth about the topic.
4. If you have seen them use other people's secrets as ammo against that person to get what they want.
5. If they say things like "I don't really want to spend time with her..." and then are constantly spending time with her. And they say it about multiple people. Because, what are they saying when they spend time with you?

My little teenager that volunteers with me right now at my work was telling me about just some of these dilemmas the other day. Ah, the loyalty of friends. So refreshing.

A Very Serious Illness.

This is a Public Service Announcement. You may be sick and not even know it. This is a serious illness, right up there with Swine Flu. The illness I refer to is Married People Malady, or MPM.

Here are the symptoms of MPM:
1. Think sending a Christmas card/letter is keeping in contact.
2. Create a blog for two purposes, and two purpose only: to talk about their kids more, and to excuse themselves from ever calling you again, because they are Married People now, and also Very Busy Parents. Hey, you can stalk them online, so what are you complaining about?
3. They create a blog and DON'T tell you, but tell your other friends, so you see their link on a mutual friend's blog. Hypothetically. And hypothetically I'm not bitter.
4. They send out periodic mass emails to "keep in touch" with everyone since they are so busy, and ask you to respond individually and let them know what's been going on in your life because... you are... not so busy? This, my friends, is when my Single Hackles go up. Except right now, since I'm unemployed and only have half a life. So feel free to ask me, because you will get a five page response. But usually? Totally busy. And STILL manage to keep up with my friends who send me real emails.
5. Act like they haven't been a "kid" for 40 or 50 years, when in fact, they were in college less than ten years ago. Of course, I know single people like this too. But it's the part where they have kids and all the sudden they start acting old.
6. They forget how to use Instant Messaging, even though their primary location for sending messages was at work, which has not changed at all. Apparently talking to single ladies about things like work and the weather is bad when you are married. Even for wifeys.
7. They have parties that they invite all their couple friends to. And not you. Although, if they really have MPM, and they do invite you, they behave like this:



P.S. If you do feel the urge to invite me, you better invite an only slightly taken Mr. Darcy, who likes me just as I am.

And as an ode to my current Saturday night plans, minus the alcohol and cigarette, but probably with the lypsynching and the Frasier.

Manners 101

I feel like my mom taught me to be a good girl. I chew with my mouth closed, I sit like a lady in fragile chairs, and I say please, thank you, and excuse me. Oh, and also, I DON'T MAKE APPOINTMENTS AND THEN STAND PEOPLE UP.

Apparently some people do NOT learn manners. None. Whatsoever. I cannot tell you how many times I have sat in Starbucks, drinking my non-caffeinated-I-am-not-a-jack-mormon-apple-cider*, and waited, and waited, and waited. Excuse me, if you can't come, there's something called a phone. Mind you, sometimes there are legitimate reasons, and everything turns out okay. But mostly they are just standing me up. My time is valuable too, people! I have blogs to write and Pride and Prejudice to be watched for the third time this week (just the scenes where Elizabeth first sees Pemberley and also Darcy turns nice).

Also, when you make a committment, and you have to back out, the proper, polite, considerate thing to do would be to call or email the person you have made the commitment to and let them know you are unable to follow through. What not to do: ignore phone calls, emails, faxes, and letters of person who is trying to figure out if you somehow fell and broke your spleen and really you do want to call them back, you just can't right now. This is rude. No answer is, in fact, not an answer. If you think it is you need to go back to Manners 101.

An actual coffee shop in Utah. Jack Mormon, you see, is a term sometimes used to describe a Mormon who is not living all the tenets of the religion. You know, like the one about not drinking coffee.

P.S. Yippy dog downstairs needs to go.

*Best. Cider. Ever.

Things to Do While You Pretend Your Friend Didn't Stand You Up

I'm not bitter.

1. Play Sims. Manage to offend little Fake Troy, your Fake Boyfriend, who you are trying to get to be your fake fiance, so you can be fake married, and have fake kids, before you become fake old. I'm really gifted at making Fake Troy hate me. Also at having mental breakdowns from lack of fun and sleep, and ignoring all my party guests.
2. Ponder how K made our fridge stop smelling like poo.
3. Call other friends besides the stand-upper so that you can reassure yourself that EVERYONE is too busy except you.
4. Start the dishwasher when you realize that there are no knives, and that while the fork worked this time for slicking the bread, it might not work next time
5. Watch Samantha Who.

Meanwhile, this is what stander-upper was doing. (Warning: One profane moment)

All By Myseeeeelf

K moved out. I have this whole week till KP is back. It's quiet. And cold. And I'm bored. And it's almost midnight and I have not yet made myself dinner.

I'm so bored I just looked up my yearly horoscope. It was a website in a commercial on tv in the middle of Medium, one of the few shows that is not on repeat right now due to the blasted writers strike. I have confirmed that horoscopes are stupid. Because this one told me I have a natural talent for attracting money all year round. Um, and what year will that start in? This one? January's a-wasting.

I just looked up my love horoscope for tomorrow, though, and I think they have something here. It says I have no problem creating chaos, and that right now my life couldn't be more disorganized. Okay, it's not that disorganized. But it feels that disorganized. Not really seeing how that ties in with love, but let's see what it says next.... Ah. It says to take baby steps: sort through the mail and then clean the bathrooms. Totally seeing how this ties into love. AH. Now it's clear. Because, wise horoscope tells me, once I'm free of emotional havoc, I'll be free to pursue romance. See, I knew there was a reason I needed to clean all the soap scum out of my shower. If only I am free of soap scum, I will find myself a man. AT LAST I have found the solution. It's all so clear to me now.

On another topic, apparently 9 New Year's Resolutions is a lot. I actually have ten. I forgot to put that I need to have a budget and stick to it. Plus I think I thought of an eleventh one but I can't remember what it was. I mentioned today when I was at lunch with some coworkers that I had nine New Year's Resolutions. Apparently they think nine is a lot considering they all laughed and looked at me like I'm crazy. What can I say, I like lists. And they are all good goals. And things that I've been working on anyways. And people who laugh at my nine (now ten) resolutions are just bringing me down. Haters.

Crabby

The more I think about it, the more it irritates me. One of the People I Work With made a comment tonight about how few members we have in their area. Because, you know, I've been sitting on my butt all Fall. As those of you who have tried to spend time with me well know. Um, why don't you show me how it's done since you're so smart?