I Have Officially Diagnosed Myself.

I definitely have Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. I know this because one of the symptoms is the tendency to drop things, and I have been doing that since, like, birth. I'm so glad I've finally solved that mystery.

Got any illnesses I can diagnose for you?

What to Do When You Are Fatally Ill.

I'm fatally ill again. It started with really annoying sinus headaches and swollen glands and has progressed to a cough and the waining of life from my limbs. I've been forced to my bed. It's very tragic. I think I managed to share a sufficient amount of my germs all around work before I went home today, though, so no worries. I'm a giver like that.

So I need to make a "to do" list to keep me occupied since getting up from my bed is very exhausting.

1. Watch Mamma Mia at least 5 times. Because I can. And if you think that sounds gross there is something wrong with you.
2. Watch at least one season of Law and Order: SVU. Because this is what you do when you are sick. Duh.
3. Eat my cool mint oreos. Those will nutrify me and make me all better.
4. Drink lots of herbal tea.
5. Sleep in my cozy, cozy bed with my flannel sheets.
6. Have weird dreams. I know they are coming. They will be about work, and about babies, and about Dancing Queens.
7. Take lots of Tylenol Sinus. It's that or lots and lots of head pain. I choose door A.
8. Take a veeeeeeeeeeery long shower. Possibly every few hours. Because the steam and hot water on my head will help relieve the sinus pressure. Stupid sinuses. I'm also going to rip them out of my head.
9. Drink lots and lots and lots of water. I hear that makes your body happy.
10. I hate ending on nine.
9.

That One Time When I Laid on the Floor at the Blood Bank

Once, there was this girl who was coerced into giving blood. She had an irrational and odd fear of needles, considering watching the doctor give her stitches, seeing bone, and also lots and lots of pain do not generally phase her, except occasionally to make her giggle wildly. Because of this silly aversion, she had avoided signing up for blood drives. Because she's selfish. But you already know that so I might as well embrace it and own it, and wear it like my favorite Kermit t-shirt. But, for just one minute, the girl... well, heck... I had a moment of guilt and shame as the phlebotimist eyed me like I was a huge pansy while my friend gave blood, and I felt obligated to go talk to the elderly lady with the stickers and ask for a form. So I gave blood. And it made me nauseous, and tired, and my friend mocked me and said it was all in my head, and I was done.

And now I was in the system. So the next time they called me, I inadvertently answered the phone, and of course you can't say "no, I can't give blood. Why? Because I'm a big freaking weenie." So I scheduled another appointment, and was proud of my moment of Overcoming Fear. The day of my appointment I thought I had eaten fairly well. I didn't have a chance to stop and eat dinner before I went, because my appointment was right after work, but I snacked on sugary crap on the way over to the blood center. Which is pretty much like eating dinner. Also I had had some water to drink that day. The blood-giving went really fast. I'm a fast blood-letter, turns out. I would have done quite well at being sick in the Victorian era. And the guy told me I was done, and gave me a band aid, and told me to feel free to make my way over to the juice bar when I felt like it. So I sat there a few minutes, and I felt mostly okay. Surely the woozy feeling in my head was... all in my head. So I mosied over to the juice bar. And the nice juice bar volunteer offered me some juice, and told me to pick out a cookie. And then there were pretty little lights. And I think my head shrunk. And possibly I was having a seizure. And I said "Um... I don't.... I don't feel... I don't feel... I don't feeeel..." Shoot. What is the word that comes after feel. I could not recall. Also it was very dark. And three phlebotimists came running over and tipped my whole chair back so my head was on the ground. And a cold compress was under my neck and on top of my neck. And all of the sudden I felt just dandy again. Well, just dandy except for the constricted, we want oxygen feeling in my muscles.

And there I lay, in the front section of the blood center, next to the juice bar, for 15 or 20 minutes. I got to drink two juices, and eat a bag of pretzels, all comfy-like, right there on the floor. Apparently they figured if I choked on a pretzel the Heimlich would be no prob since I was being monitored. And the nice phlebotimist took my blood pressure about 72 times, and then allowed me to sit up. And took my blood pressure at least 64 times. And then I got to sit in a chair. And have my blood pressure taken. And then stand. And get my blood pressure taken. And then the phlebotimist allowed me to go to my car, and watched me from the door, looking slightly like he thought that surely I was marching towards certain death. But I made it home, and took a long, long nap. Being the center of attention is tiring.

So last time I went to give blood, I walked in, and immediately made eye contact with the nice phlebotimist who was my blood pressure taker the time before. At first I wasn't sure he recognized that I was That blood giver. Until I was in the chair, squeezing the foamy thing, and he said "take your time" as he walked by. Awesome. I'm so good at making friends. And creative.

I Sound Like...

A man.



I have a scratchy low-down thing going on with my voice. No other symptoms really. Just a sexy man voice.

Perfectly Good Sick Days

The unfortunate thing about Sick Days is that they expect you to be sick to take them. On sick days I typically:

1. sleep in
2. Take lots of naps
3. Watch movies
4. Watch tv-when I have tv, which I don't right now
5. Take my temperature every 15 minutes to see if it has gone up or down.

Doesn't this sound fun? (Okay, the thermometer part could probably be left out on your typical lazy day) It would have been fun, except I also felt really yucky, so it was a wee bit difficult to enjoy watching the Pemberley scenes of Pride and Prejudice as they played in a loop. Also I was too nauseous to eat, and yummy foods should be part of any good lazy day. Although Saltine crackers can be surprisingly delicious. Also Sir Isaac Lime and I had a great time.

So, bosses, what is the deal with this requirement to be sick on sick days? It takes all the fun out of them. Laying in a ball in the middle of my bed with the blinds drawn and the fan on, trying not to puke, is not the ideal way to spend a friday (or the Saturday and Sunday of Labor Day weekend, for that matter). If only you wouldn't force me to go to such lengths to get a friday off.

Okay, so there are vacation days, but those don't come up all unexpected like sick days. Unexpected like last friday, where the waves of nausea hit me so fast I barely had time to call someone in the main office, print a sign for the door ("currently puking, call back later"), and speed home to my waiting toilet. All very exciting, except that the impromptu day off was not fun. I want fun sick days. Someone work on that.

Big People Have Little Humor and Little People Have No Humor at All.

I have a large lump behind my ear. Really it's humungous. Ginormous. Okay, it's the size of a skittle. I tried to convince K on Sunday that it was a cancerous growth on Sunday, and that I was in fact dying. To which she responded "did you know there are little people in the wall who talk to you?" Um, yes, I did. Where has she been?

KP (now KJ- the pretty, pretty bride) assured me it was really most likely a swollen gland. Who knew you had a gland there. It's not in the fleshy part, it's on my skull. Which I feel indicates that it is Something Serious. Even though KJ is a nurse.

Note: the first one to say hypochondriac loses a finger. Or I will put a lump on your head behind YOUR ear.

I Feel All Sad and Lonely

My laptop is sick. I think it's a little depressed. The fields that are usually white are black, and the lettering is white. Things that are usually red are blue, and things that are usually blue are pink. It's all very pale and pastel-y. Except for the black part, of course. So I had to take my laptop to the laptop doctor today, and they are keeping it for the week. 7-10 business days, but sometimes it's 5-7. So please, Mr. Techman, fix it quick so I can have it back for the weekend!

Super Sappy Thought for the Day. Plus, Ow.

I thought I would share this super sappy forward I got today. Do you think it's true?
Occasional commentary in blue from me.

1. There are at least two people in this world that you would die for.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you. (Totally true, I get that all the time)
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you. (It's like they know me!)
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep. (And they think: "Heavenly Father, please give me patience...")
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. You are special and unique. (My mommy says I'm special)
8. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you. (That's a little creepy... )
9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
10. When you think the world has turned its back on you take another look.
11. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.

See, doesn't that make you feel all warm and fuzzy? I know I do. I also feel like I want to rip all sinuses, glands, ear canals, etc, out of my head. I feel that I would be a better person without those things. Also I feel that the right side of my head is going to explode. Make it stop.

Owie

My sinus on the right side of my face feels like it's going to burst out of my head. Make it stop.

10 Sure Signs I'm Feeling Better

1. I can speak .
2. My throat no longer feels like it is going to completely close up or explode, and turning my head doesn't make me whimper like a little girl from disturbing my throat (that's right, poor, poor me!) .
3. I have moved from lying in my bed where I watched the entire second season of Law and Order: SVU on netflix online to lying in the bean bag downstairs in front of the tv watching the newest adaptation of Jane Austen's Persuasion (siiiiiigh Captain Wentworth).
4. I'm bored. (or was before Persuasion started...)
5. I'm craving brownies and seriously contemplating getting up and making brownies. Mind you, I have been contemplating this for about 4 hours now. But I'm getting close. I can feel it.
6. I took the time to make dinner. Mmmm, spaghetti .
7. No ginormous sinus headache.
8. I have found the strength to blog. It's very taxing.
9. I did not immediately fall asleep on my wet hair today after my shower and it's sitting down nice and lady-like instead of standing up and waving hello.
10. I can breathe through my nose, and I"ve only gone through 3 or 4 kleenex in the last hour.

My Head is all Fuzzy

Today so far I have slept, eaten cereal, slept, and watched Project Runway. I have come to the conclusion that Wendy should have gotten booted out much sooner in season 1. I'm betting the only reason she made it so far is because the producers wouldn't let them oust her since she provided the drama. Way too much drama. Although her final collection is not looking as bad as I thought it would. Except, whoa, what's up with the completely sheer top with no bra? Some day her daughter sitting in the front row with her little stuffed kitty can wear that one.

Also KP is home. That is the bright spot in my day of trying not to cough up a lung.

Yesterday I received the advice that I should come home and go to bed early instead of playing with my shiney new computer toy. So I didn't play wiht my computer last night. I mostly just sat in my comfey chair and thought about the things that I had wanted to get done last night that I didn't have the energy to do. Then I came upstairs and coughed a lot. And then I tossed, and I turned, and didn't fall asleep until 4 in the morning. Not really getting a lot of sleep in last night. I don't know what my deal was. Sleeping is generally something I do not struggle to make happen. But last night I was WIDE awake, no matter what I tried. Don't worry, I made up for it today.

Now I'm wide awake and waiting for K to bring me my dinner. Because she's cool like that and stopping at Applebee's to get me some curbside to go.

I've been trying to to think of something deep and profound to type but I had a hard time telling K a non-story over dinner so I don't think it's going to happen. I'm very fuzzy tonight.

Take Your Germs Back

Hey, you. Yeah, you right there. I didn't want these germs you gave me. Yeah, you know I'm talking to you. Take them back.

I've got this cough going on that sounds like I've been nursing it for weeks. It just started last night. And now I've got a sore throat thing from all the coughing. And it's your fault.

Today I was observing some kids for work and one of them kept picking her nose and then eating her boogers. She wasn't sneaky about it at all. I haven't seen a kid do that since, well, since I was a kid. I thought that most of them hid that behavior from adults. I couldn't have been the only adult who noticed. If I'd known her I would have told her to stop. No one in the room did. Seriously, someone give that kid a snack. Or at least a kleenex.

Oh, and I'm bored. I've watched like 4 hours of tv in a row because there was no one here to entertain me. What's up with that? But before I got home from work and plopped down in my comfey chair, I spent a considerable amount of time trying to figure out WHERE ON EARTH I PUT MY CELL PHONE. It turned out to be laying in the parking lot where I dropped it while loading my car after my meeting (not the meeting with the nose-picker but the one after that--if there were nosepickers there they were adults and much more sly about it). Thank goodness for answers to prayers or it would still be lying in the parking lot, possibly shorted out (it was soaking when I found it but the cover seems to have taken the brunt of it).

So tell me, why do I keep losing things? I think it is either that a) I carry too much stuff with me and can't keep track of things, b) I don't use appropriate stuff carriers so things don't have a place and easily get lost, or c) I'm a big, incurable airhead. I prefer to think it's either a or b. B would be fun because it gives me an exuse to go shopping.