Why I Hate Children

So, for those of you who know me this will come as no shock. I hate children. They giggle and they're loud and sticky and opinionated and they think farts are funny. I'm just saying. But mostly, the reason I hate children can be illustrated by my time in the theatre yesterday.

I went to see Alice in Wonderland, which I'm pretty sure was super good. From the parts that I heard, that is, over the incessant giggling coming from behind me. Over nothing. There was nothing funny going on. At least not on the screen. Maybe I was missing some neat trick involving Twizzlers and root beer or something. Because, you see, there were about 20 ten-year-olds in the row behind me. About ten minutes into the movie, they got not only The Eye, but I leaned over my seat and gave them the "Girls, you need to quiet down" to go with it. Oh, they were scared. When you are ten and adults yell at you the need to be rebellious fades a little bit. Unfortunately a few rows behind them were 3 twelve-year-olds who found themselves not only hilarious, but beyond the reach of adults' wrath. They are lucky I didn't feel like getting up. Because seriously, there was no whispering going on. I was hearing things like "where are they going?" in their six foot voices. You know, as opposed to their six inch voices. They seriously were closer to death than they possibly ever had been before. My death stares didn't last as long on them. It was dark.

I have realized something the last few years. My mom was mean. And there should really be more mean parents out there. Because she would not let me go to movies, or even the mall, with my friends alone when I was ten. Because I would have annoyed the crap out of all the adults out there, since my obnoxious sensor was turned off, as all children's are in those types of situations. Parents are so intent on being the cool parent, and the parent who is "fair," and the parent who is loved, that they forget they are training their little angels to behave like human beings. And that's why we are starting to see adults that don't know how to behave in the theatre either. Because we need more mean parents. I exhort you, parents: make your children cry more. Because I hate children. And if you leave them at the theatre unattended like that again, I make no promises they won't return to you with death stare marks seared into their foreheads, among other things.