The Truth Shall Make You Look Like a Jerk Nationwide

There is a new show on tv where they ask you all kinds of probing personal questions and all you have to do to win money is to tell the truth. When I first saw the commercials, I was repulsed. They were asking personal questions about family skeletons, and hurtful questions that could only damage feelings. But yesterday I started watching the episodes they have posted online. And they are quite fascinating. One family that was on was so obviously well-adjusted, they were still going to be speaking on the way home, even though a few of the answers surprised them.

Then there was the woman that took off her wedding ring when going out with her girlfriends, admitted to cheating on her husband, admitted that she was in love with another man on her wedding day, AND admitted that she thought she should really be married to that man. The question she lost on? They asked her if she believed she was a good person. She said yes. The lie detector said she didn't believe that. Go figure.

Apparently the idea the maker had was that telling the truth would set these people free. Oh, and also maybe boost ratings when they cry and lives are ruined. But they would be free in their ruination. I guess I can't mock too much since I watched it. And I don't think it really ruined any lives, although there will be some tense conversations on the way home. I think as much as the girlfriends or spouses said they were surprised by certain answers, deep down they weren't. There was one where the guy is a total jerk and his girlfriend should run fast and far away. They really did her a favor. Her boyfriend was a vapid narcissist and also inconsiderate.

It was interesting to hear some of those questions and be able to look at the person and predict the answers, usually correctly. It was cause for some self reflection. How would I answer those questions? A lot of the questions as you get higher up are tricky. They ask you if you think you are honest and on the surface, you might think you are honest, but deep, deep down, you know you aren't because you sometimes take a pastry home from work or something. And they do the actual lie detector test ahead of time, so I have to wonder if they ask slightly different questions there, because they sometimes seem surprised by the questions. Also I think some people aren't in touch with their inner self. You can win 500,000 dollars but no one has gotten past 100,000, and several have lost whatever they had earned because they totally thought they were telling the truth but the machine said they were lying. And they have not only upset their family but they have no more money than they came with. That does not sound like good times to me.

I Hate Plastic Spider Rings.

Let me tell you why. When I was five (okay I don't know how old I was but it was before I moved and my sister makes fun of me for thinking everything happened when I was five), I was wearing one of those little plastic spider rings around Halloween. I remember I was standing on our front porch, and my sister and her friend decided to educate me on those rings. They told me they were real spiders with wax over them made into rings. And while I'm pretty sure I told them I didn't believe them, I pretty promptly removed the spider ring. I've never been able to wear them since. That's right, Amie, you scarred me for life!

Some of My Favorite Movie Quotes

1. Inconceivable.
2. You keep on saying that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
3. Build a jacuzzi and we will come, okay.
4. Fester, fester, fester. Rot, rot, rot.
5. Happy: smile. Sad: frown. Use the corresponding word for the corresponding emotion.
6. Oh-oh. Gorgeous. Beautiful. Wish you were here.
7. Now all of China knows you are here (but only if you say it in monotone).
8. Run away!
9. [singing] When danger reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled.
10. What else floats in water? (answers) Bread. Apples. Very small rocks
11. If she weighed the same as a duck, she's made of wood.
12. But why is the rum gone?
13. I love those moments. I like to wave at them as they pass by.
14. You know what? Feel guilty. Swim in it til your fingers get all pruney.
15. When you do that it gets under my skin and makes me completely insane! (ding, ding, ding)

Super Sappy Thought for the Day. Plus, Ow.

I thought I would share this super sappy forward I got today. Do you think it's true?
Occasional commentary in blue from me.

1. There are at least two people in this world that you would die for.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you. (Totally true, I get that all the time)
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you. (It's like they know me!)
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep. (And they think: "Heavenly Father, please give me patience...")
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. You are special and unique. (My mommy says I'm special)
8. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you. (That's a little creepy... )
9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
10. When you think the world has turned its back on you take another look.
11. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.

See, doesn't that make you feel all warm and fuzzy? I know I do. I also feel like I want to rip all sinuses, glands, ear canals, etc, out of my head. I feel that I would be a better person without those things. Also I feel that the right side of my head is going to explode. Make it stop.

You Should Always Call Me Back When I'm Worried

The thing about me is, if you give me cause I will worry. And worry. And worry. And then I will text you. And call you. And text and call. And if you don't text or call back, I will worry more. So you should call me back. And possibly come over and comfort me in my hour of need. Because all this worrying is hard on me.



Fester, fester, fester. Rot, rot, rot.

My Dream Cubicle

Our main office is moving in a few months. It will become cubicleland. If they want to give me one (which I doubt), I want this one.

The New Michael is Growing on Me.

He's not as dorky as I thought he would be. Also, he's 6'3", only an inch shorter than my husband, the real Michael, who is 6'4". Which explains a lot. Even as a child I liked the tall men. I'm not saying the movie wasn't cheesey. Because it was. Oh, it was. But there may be a tv spinoff, and if there is, you can bet I will be there for it. Also Agent Rivai wants to be cool, but really she's just annoying. I mean, seriously. OBVIOUSLY this sherrif dude she just met is gonna be dirty. Don't put Michael on speakerphone when he gives his location! What FBI agent trusts the police? Hasn't she seen Law and Order? Or Without a Trace? So I would be okay if she doesn't make it to the spinoff.

Best line so far? Why you gotta hate on Nebraska? (hey! Don't mock!)
Best moment? When the SUV actually BOUNCES off of KITT.
Most shocking moment? Seeing how old my husband looked. Obviously they had to use a lot of stage makeup to make him so old and make it believable.

It's okay, honey, I know the truth.

Also? I want flowers like that on my coffin.

I Don't Want to be Your Groupie.

On my list of pet peeves, group messages, whether they be emails or texts, rank far up there. You know who you are. Actually you don't read my blogs, which only adds to my ire for you. Group messages say to me, "You are not high enough on my priority list to send you personalized messages. I have nothing to say to you that I wouldn't say to my mother, little brother, that creepy guy who keeps hitting on me, the guy who dumped me, the old roommate I hated, and my 8 year old niece. I have so many more important things in my life, and am sooooo much more busy than you." That message is not a warm fuzzy one. You may have noticed I rarely reply to your group messages.

You will notice that while I have been known to send a group email in the past, it is generally a "hey, give me your address" at Christmas, because it didn't occur to you to tell me when you moved, or a "hey, here's my new address," because it DID occur to me to tell you. Or it was a "look at this neat get-to-know-you list forward," which you might have noticed I have discontinued sending, after one of my oldest friends made a snarky remark to me about how the only emails he gets from me are forwards. That's right, Portland Boy, I'm talking about you. Instead I post those on my blog. The only group emails, besides the random big announcement emails (if you've just had a baby, I fully accept that I am lucky to get any notice, because I would be lying in bed like a big baby, staring at my little baby and trying not to move), that I find acceptable, are group conversations, like, "hey, everyone, how do we want to celebrate Holli's birthday? " Those kind are acceptable. Group texts saying Merry Christmas are just silly. Because obviously you were not thinking of me, you were button happy and decided as you scrolled through your contacts that I meritted a group text. Which, wow. I'm so special. I feel all warm and fuzzy. A few years ago I may not have realized it was a group text. But now I'm onto you. And you are fired. I have never sent you a group text, bucko.

Why, Anthony, Why?!?

I saw Anthony at the gym tonight. You know, Anthony who we went to high school with? Okay, so not all of you went to high school with me. But those who did know who I am talking about. So we're walking past each other... I'm going down the stairs, he's coming up. He totally saw me, and then he totally PRETENDED NOT TO SEE ME. Why, Anythony? What did I ever do to you? I thought we were friends. I got a similar reaction from him at our high school reunion. I don't recall any fallings out in high school. I don't remember snubbing him. I thought we were on speaking terms until the day we graduated. Okay, so we were never best buds. We were friends in the sense that we killed time in class talking and sometimes did class projects together.

Have you ever had the uncomfortable feeling that those shows with the picked on kid getting vindication when he meets up with the mean kid from high school that didn't realize they were being that mean might be about you? Even though you still have no idea what you might have done or how you might have snubbed whoever you snubbed?

YAY!!! It's a Horse!!!

I get this reaction whenever I give gifts.

Happy Belated Birthday, Baby Girl.

Happy Birthday Little Man

My nephew, Little Man, turned 2 last week. Yee-haw!

I taught him to say yee-haw, and he is actually saying it in this picture. Because he's that cute.

Road Trippin'

So this weekend K and I went on a road trip that ranks up high in my road trip memories. It's right up there with the memorable Utah point-at-the-map-and-drive road trip with the wacky, crazy Alpine kids. We went to the beach, and stayed here:

I have just one question for all the tourists out there. Why????

Seriously. What is the point of this? I'm all thinking we're going to be one with nature. Except that everyone else is zipping by us on the sandy path leading to the beach as they drive down to park down on the beach. And they are driving up and down the beach. And taking pictures from their cars. And parking right at the tide line. And riding stupid little mopeds up and down the beach. Aaaaah, nature. I was so refreshed.

There was a big pretty tree root.

And there were birds and water.

I'm a good picture-taker.

We ate at Las Maracas. I give the gaucamole there four out of five stars. When asked for her rating, K said "word to your mother." She doesn't know what that means, but it went with the signs she was flashing that she also did not know the meaning behind.


We stopped at a little tourist shop and got Saltwater taffy. K really enjoyed hers...



We took lots of pictures. This is K trying to take a picture of me.

We drove and drove and drove, and then suddenly the highway we were on ended, because I had shirked my navigational duties and didn't see the sign to turn, which we discovered on our way back. But we saw this sign, which entertained us.

Um, isn't that a warning sign?

Then the windshields got all smeared, and K's wiper fluid thing doesn't work, so she used her back-up system.

Did you know that if you hold an empty water bottle out the car window at high speeds, it whistles? It does.

We were driving along and all the sudden, K did a double-take,and she turned to me with wide eyes and yelled, "There was a cow head back there!" So we turned around so she could show me. Because I didn't want to see, but I did, you know? Plus I needed a picture for my blog. And here it is:
Yes, folks, that is a hunk of snow. (Point and laugh at K here)

We returned last night. It was a wonderful trip. It was all in honor of K's 30th birthday. She's an old lady. We were just two old ladies on a girl's weekend. We're already planning our next adventure.

I never...

So K and I went on a road trip yesterday and today. I will be posting more on that soon. But one of the conversations we had today during our adventures was about things I've never done before which apparently make me freakish. I have never ridden a horse. Unless you count that one time when I was five and the neighbor girl who had a horse took me up on the horse with her and walked it in a circle in front of our house. Which I don't. Also I have never flown a kite. So this lead me to think, what else have I not done that most of my friends have? (besides the obvious... this is a pg list, folks).

1. Haven't ridden a horse.
2. Haven't flown a kite (up to the highest heights...).
3. Have not skiied.
4. Have not swam. At least not really. My sisters and I took a class once, but I am sadly deficient in real swimming skills. I've floated on my back a few times. Until I panicked and thrashed around. Fortunately I was in about 4 feet of water.
5. Have not been to Disneyland.
6. Have not been to Hawaii.
7. Have not broken a bone.


But I have done these things, which many of my friends have not:
1. Traveled to Paris, London, and Germany.
2. Fired a gun.
3. Thrown pottery.
4. Read the whole Bible.
5. Owned my own bowling ball and shoes :)
6. Danced on a drill team.
7. Played lasertag all night long. I know. I know. I'm making you jealous.

Happy Single Awareness Day

I'd like to give a shout out to all the
bitter girls out there.

You Shouldn't Be at the Gym If...

1. You spend the whole time on the stair climber and tread mill talking on your phone and totally not out of breath, because your heart rate is, in fact, not raised.
2. You are wearing high heel boots while you do weights.
3. You are in full makeup and your hair is perfectly in place. Because you are obviously not there in search of the perfect body. At least not YOUR perfect body.
4. You leave the gym and proceed to smoke a cigarette before entering your car. Yeah, let's keep our body fat and cholesterol low so we can better enjoy the effects of the lung cancer or emphysema we've long been dreaming of (yes, I know, some of you are smokers... I'm a judger. I judge. That's what I do).
5. You are crabby and your mp3 player dies, leaving you with no other option but to pick apart every other gym patron. Yeah. Me. That's Right.

Things I Learned at the Country Music Museum

I'm back from my exciting adventures in Nashville. This morning before we left we went to the Country Music Museum and Hall of Fame.

Things I learned:
1. Elvis had a car painted with 40 coats of paint that had ground up diamonds in it. There was a tv mounted in the back seat, which I can only imagine required bunny ears to work properly. Also Elvis should not have been allowed control of the check book.
2. Priscilla had Elvis's piano painted with gold leaf for their first anniversary. Priscilla ALSO should not have been allowed to control the check book.
3. I don't know a lot about the early country music artists. And my brain does not want to retain any information I might have read or heard today.
4. I do not have the attention span for really long audio tour explanations. Unless it's interesting stuff like the Alcatraz one, with people digging through concrete with spoons and swimming across bays.
5. Hearing a bunch of country hits makes you want to dance like a fool in public. And who am I to resist that urge?
6. Gift stores are fun.

I'm Thirsty.

Because I just ran 2 miles. Also, I'm irritated. Because while I was running on the tread mill, they were airing Girls Next Door. And not just any Girls Next Door. The one that involves shooting naked pictures of several girls for pretty much the whole episode. I do not need to see that much boob and butt. I don't care if some of it is blurry. Girls with clothes on that look that good while I'm at the gym make me cranky. The naked ones should not be allowed. Also it's kind of inappropriate in that venue.

Knowing Myself Through Quizzes

Back when I was snotty little teenager, I had several magazine subscriptions to Snotty Little Teenager Magazines. My two favorite parts of the magazines were the quizzes and the horoscope. Now, with the magical help of the internet, I can take quizzes whenever I want. So thought I would learn about myself through quizzes. Here is what i learned:

1. I am 24% evil.
2. My birthdate tells me the following things:
I tend to be a the rock in relationships - people depend on me. Thoughtful and caring, I often put others needs first. I'm not content to help those you know... I want to give to the world. An idealist, I strive for positive change and dream about how much better things could be. My strength: My intuition; My weakness: I put yourself last; My power color: Rose; My power symbol: Cloud; My power month: June
3. I should be a politician when I grow up.
4. I act like I am 32 years old.
5. In regards to my heart: I am attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, I feel the most alive when my lover is creative and never lets me feel bored. I'd like my lover to think I am optimistic and happy. I would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic. My ideal relationship is lasting. I want a relationship that looks to the future... one I can grow with. My risk of cheating is zero. I care about society and morality. I would never break a commitment. I think of marriage as something precious. I'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.
6. In a past life I was a kind Fortune Teller who lived in Quebec and died from dysentery.
7. My perfect date is at the Mall.
8. I rock at being a friend. I know how to give to the relationship and that's important for maintaining a strong bond.
9. I am a Great Guy Reader. Fat lot of good it's done me.

So, accurate or not? Do you know me better than the computer quizzes.

Don't Make Me Ring the Bell

You know how there are certain smells that you can smell, and they take you back to a specific time and place in your life, and you feel all those emotions again? Same thing with sounds. Have you ever heard your old ringtone for your cellphone and remembered exactly what was going on in your life when you had it?

I got a little Cinnaberry tree freshener for my car the other day. You know, because my car smelled like feet. Or possibly a dead animal that had crawled up under my seat and died. And the moment I freed it from it's little package and I caught a wiff of that scent, it took me back to a certain time in my life, when certain people were in my life. I always liked that air freshener. But now it reminds me of the people that were in my life then that are no longer. Not because they died or anything. But because I can't get them to answer a freaking email, not to mention call me. Also because they think they are too busy to keep in touch. Which I have to say is just a slightly politer way of telling a person that on your list of priorities, they don't rate.

But never you fear. I will create new memories with my Cinnaberry car freshener. But only people who answer emails are allowed in my car. Because I can only recreate the Cinnaberry feeling so many times. Don't make me ring the bell.