Use Your Listening Ears

Listening. Most people seem to think they have this skill. But let me clue you in on something. Most people don't. Of all the people I interact with in different capacities, I can tell you that most of them are not listening to the people around them, and much of the stress and conflict surrounding them is due to a lack of understanding each other because they don't listen.

Step 1: Stop thinking.
Listening involves more than just allowing someone to talk. It involves more than giving feedback. When you really want to listen well, you should stop thinking about how you are going to solve my problem. If you're thinking that while I am talking, you are not listening. Often people can work out the answer to their problem if they can talk through it. So shoosh your brain and listen.

Step 2: Ask questions.
Even if you think you understand what they are telling you, and what the solution is, ask questions. This sometimes illuminates things that you didn't realize were at play even though you thought you knew it all. It also has the added benefit of making you appear as though you care about the person and what they have to say. Also, make sure you apply step one to this part too. Tune down the inner dialogue, you know, the one where you have the perfect answer, and listen to what they are saying.


Step 3: Ask them if they are saying what you think they are saying.
So instead of telling them how they feel, or how you would feel, try telling them what you think you heard, and asking them if you are hearing them right. This gives them the chance to tell you that you are on crack if you missed the point.

So that's it. The whole offering them advice part? Um, did they ask for advice? Do they look stupid to you? Because if they didn't ask for advice, and they don't look stupid to you, maybe they know what they need to do. In any case just because you think you know the answer doesn't mean you do. Because chances are that there's stuff they left out. Chances are that other experiences they didn't bring up are coloring this situation. And if you constantly tell your friends how they should act, you will either enable their indecisiveness, or annoy the crap out of them. So unless they actually say "what should I do," think long and hard before you tell them what they should do. Unless that is your job. If you get paid to be bossy that's totally different.

*Disclaimer: While I sometimes manage to be a good listener, sometimes I fail miserably. Also, this is not based on a certain encounter. So if you listened to me this week, this is not about you.