It's Letter Week!

Dear Pentagon,

I see here that you are contemplating banning smoking for all soldiers in uniform, and the sales of tobacco products on military bases. This is a very interesting proposal. I get the part where healthy soldiers are important. Also, the smelliness and phlegminess which are common characteristics of smokers are not hot, so really you are doing them a favor.

Just one little thing. I don't know if you have ever been around someone who just gave up smoking. I am hear to tell you, it makes them very crabby. Put them in a stressful situation and they REALLY get crabby when you won't let them smoke. So someone who is, say, in a combat situation, with a gun, having "nic fits" might be a little trigger happy. I'm just saying. And before you say you will happily supply them the meds to quit, vivid freaky dreams+combat zone+gun= also pretty scary.

I imagine that some would argue that smoking is banned in many workplaces, and it's all part of being professional. Totally agree. That whole All the President's Men, smoking in the newsroom era has passed, and we should respect each other's air space and try not to intentionally give each other cancer. But people have breaks at those jobs, see? They get to go outside and smoke. Only your soldiers still have their uniforms on during those breaks. See, crabby.

Knowing me like you do, Pentagon, you might be surprised that I would take the side of the smoker. But there's this thing called free will. I believe in it. I think sometimes we let people use it in this country. It's not so much that I don't agree with you that the whole military should stop smoking. That would be awesome. They would not only be healthier, they could spend their discretionary money on things that are really important. Like the equipment, music, and wardrobe to shoot a quality music video. My issue is that if you make them do it against their will, it's like you've become the military of some other country. And the soldiers might wonder what exactly they are fighting for in this new country that is so foreign to them. And then you might have to send them all to prison, where they can smoke in peace and choreograph a little jail yard boogie.